How to Fake Sick

As I sit here in bed, at 2:34 AM on a wonderful Friday morning, I think about how I became so privileged as to be able to blog for my devout readers.  And the answer, my friends, is faking sick.

***Update: I finished writing this article at 3:34 AM, exactly 1 hour after I started.  How’s that for good timing?***

To understand the basics of faking sick, in addition to the more subtle aspects of the deed, click on for more.

By Zoolgod 

To start off, I think I’ll begin with the Don’ts.  Don’t use fake vomit.  It usually indicative of a pretty bad sickness, and you are therefore subject to more investigative testing from both parents and doctors than you would be with just a bad cold.  Also, that sort of preparation allows you to get caught, which will totally ruin any hope of staying home.

Don’t use any sort of warm compress to heat your forehead, or put a thermometer against a lightbulb or in hot water or something.  This will throw all readings totally off (they will be much too high) and you will be exposed as the fraud you are.  Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s begin with the Do’s.

Now, in my mind, the key to faking sick is preparation.  This is plays a vital role in improving your chances of staying home, as it lays the groundwork for your lie.

 The night before you “become ill,” tell your parents you are not feeling well, and attempt to exhibit the symptoms of a sick person.  Remember, the earlier the better.  These symptoms include acting very tired, and talking in a sickly, raspy voice.  Tell your parents that your throat hurts, and you have a headache.

 While doing this, make sure you are hunched over slightly (even while standing), and your eyes are droopy.  Red eyes help too.  This can be achieved by touching the white part of your eye, or just rubbing them a lot.  Basically, you want to look like you are the result of intense biological warefare.

After you have carried on this charade for a while, it’s time for bed.  Wear something a little warm, such as sweatpants.  Also, be sure to wake up little early tomorrow morning, before your parents.

It’s morning, and you’ve woken up.  Now what you’ll want to do is STAY UNDER THE COVERS!  This means your entire body, head included.  If you have an electric blanket, use it.  Don’t put it over your head (you’ll get too hot) , but just use it as you normally would, in order to raise your core temperature.  In addition, try and keep your body moving constantly.  Try rubbing your legs together, or your arms.  Just kind of do a general wriggling about.

 When it comes time for you to normally get out of bed, DON’T!  Stay there, and wait for your parents to come and check on you.  Here is where your acting had better be Oscar-worthy.  When they ask you how you are, talk in the most sickly voice you can and say, “Not good.”  Nothing more, nothing less.  And when they ask you what hurts, just say, “My throat, and my head.”

 They’re likely to come and take your temperature.  It’s ok if you don’t have a fever.  As long as you’re warm, you’re casting doubt about the state of your health.  Just keep describing the same symptoms, and keep on acting sickly.

If you’re parents go to feel your glands here is what you do.  There is a muscle that is very close to your glands, and if you flex it, it seems as if your glands are swollen. I don’t know if everyone knows how to flex it, so I’ll try and describe it.

Take your tongue, and try and squish it as far back into your mouth as possible.  This doesn’t mean going over the top so the bottom of your tongue touches the roof of your mouth.  It’s kind of like making your tongue really fat.  Then, while still keeping your tongue fat, try and touch one side of the base of your tongue with the tip.  This should slightly flex the muscle.  If you’re doing it right, you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

Now comes the moment of truth: Your parents ask you if you feel well enough to go to school.  I think you already know the answer.  No!  Don’t make it terribly obvious though.  Say something along the lines of, “I really don’t feel well today, and I don’t think I should go to school.”  Don’t go on rants; your throat hurts, remember?  Also, whenever you swallow saliva, make a face as if it is causing you pain.  Every little detail counts.

Stick to your guns about not going to school, because this is the deciding factor as to whether or not you are going.  If you don’t succeed here, then you’re going.  If that is the case, repeat the same thing for the school nurse, and attempt to have your parents pick you up from school.  This shouldn’t be terribly hard, because they usually think that if you’re this determined to be home, you’re sick.

 With either of these scenarios, there is always the risk of….THE DOCTOR!!!  But really, don’t be terribly afraid.  What they do is look for symptoms, and they rarely do any major testing.  Just continue to describe those same symptoms, and continue to act sickly.  Assuming you have no fever (because you were faking before), he’ll probably tell you you have a virus.  Viruses don’t tend to give people fevers, and they can’t be treated with antibiotics.  The only cure is…..you guessed it!  Rest and fluids!  The two things that only home can provide you with.

So, that’s my guide.  I’ve used it numerous times to be able to study for tests, finish homework, and just take a couple of days off.  I hope that this guide will be useful to you readers as well.  An important thing to note, however, is to not abuse this.  After a while, your parents WILL CATCH ON.  Don’t do it more than 4 times a year, for most parents at least.

 Happy Faking!!